CHICKPEAS AND DUMPLINGS
This stew is thick and our personal favorite. If you’ve never had some
version of this Southern staple, then GET THE FUCK ON IT. These
dumplings are rolled out like delicious fluffy noodle things and not just
those shitty drop dumplings other people use. Yeah, that’s right. Shots
fired in the dumpling wars.
MAKES ENOUGH FOR 6 HUNGRY MOTHERFUCKERS
1 bunch of chives
2 cups all-purpose flour*
2 teaspoons baking powder
3⁄4 teaspoon garlic powder
1⁄4 teaspoon salt
1⁄2 to 1 tablespoon olive oil
1⁄2 to 1 cup unsweetened plain almond milk
5 to 7 leaves of kale**
2 sweet onions, chopped into bite-size pieces
2 carrots, chopped into bite-size pieces
3 ribs of celery, chopped into bite-size pieces
1 small crown of broccoli, chopped into bite-size pieces
3 to 4 cloves garlic, minced
2 teaspoons plus 1⁄4 cup olive oil
21⁄2 teaspoons dried oregano
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1⁄2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1⁄4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
7 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1⁄2 cup white wine***
10 cups vegetable broth
3 cups cooked chickpeas****
11⁄2 cups frozen green peas
1 First thing, make the fucking dumplings. Chop up the chives into little pieces and set them
aside. Add the flour to a medium bowl and whisk in the baking powder, garlic powder, and
salt. Drizzle in the olive oil and mix it all up. Add 1⁄2 cup of the milk and stir it all together. If
your dough still looks really dry, add a couple tablespoons of the rest of the milk until you can
form a kind of shaggy ball. If you add too much milk, the dough will be sticky and hard to
handle, so slow your ass down. Knead in 1⁄4 cup of the chopped chives, making sure they are all
mixed in and the dough looks like it has its shit together. (Set the rest of the chives aside.)
2 On a well floured surface, roll out the dough about
1⁄8 inch thick. (Think thin crust pizza.)
Cut the dumplings into pieces about 1 inch wide and 11⁄2 inches long. You will have some
fucked up sizes because that’s how shit is, but don’t stress. They will be fine. You should get
around 70 dumplings. Stack them up on a floured plate and stick them in the fridge uncovered.
3 Make the soup: Remove the hard stems from the kale and slice those leaves into 1-inch
ribbons. Set aside until the very end. In a large soup pot, heat up the 2 teaspoons oil over
medium heat. Add the onions and a pinch of salt and sauté until the onions start to brown, 5
to 7 minutes. Add the carrots and celery and cook for another 3 minutes. Add the broccoli and
garlic and cook until the carrots are getting soft but the broccoli still has some bite, another 3
minutes. Turn off the heat and dump all that shit into a medium bowl and set it aside. Make
sure to scrape out all the veggies because you are reusing that pot. Fuck extra dishes.
4 Mix the oregano, garlic powder, black pepper, cayenne pepper, and 1⁄4 teaspoon salt together
in a small cup. Warm that soup pot back up over medium heat, add the remaining 1⁄4 cup oil,
and whisk in the flour. It should look somewhere between glue and runny paste. Yum? Keep
stirring that shit around until it smells kinda nutty and looks a little toasted, about 2 minutes.
Toss in the spice mixture and keep stirring for another 30 seconds. Whisk in the white wine.
The flour will ball up with the wine and make it look like frosting or some shit like that.
Slowly whisk in 2 cups of the broth. Mix that up until it is all incorporated and starts to look
thick, like movie theater nacho cheese. Slowly whisk in the next 4 cups of broth and make sure
it’s smooth with no chunks of flour. Whisk in the remaining 4 cups broth and let it simmer,
whisking every minute or so, for about 15 minutes. The broth should thicken up and start to
look and taste kind of velvety. You know what the fuck we are talking about. Try it. Fucking
awesomeness without 2 sticks of butter.
5 With the pot still simmering, add the dumplings a couple at a time so they don’t get all
stuck together in a clusterfuck of dough and dying dreams. Once they are all in, gently stir
them around once so that everybody is bobbing around in the broth. Let them simmer
together for 3 minutes so that the pot gets a chance to warm back up. Add the chickpeas and
sautéed veggies and let them all simmer together for about 10 more minutes or until the
dumplings don’t taste raw.
6 Once your dumplings are on point, add the green peas and sliced kale. Yeah, that’s right,
just dump the peas in frozen because who gives a fuck? Cook for another 2 minutes so that the
peas warm up and the kale wilts. Turn off the heat and throw in 1⁄4 cup of those chives from
earlier. Taste that shit and see if you want more herbs, spices, or salt to get it where you love
it. Serve immediately and top the bowls with some of whatever chives you have left.
* Whole wheat flouris a littletoo denseforthesefuckers, but giveit a go if that’s what you got and you arefeeling
** Spinach orcollards will work heretoo.
*** Whateverthefuck you liketo drink will work. Outof wine? Just use broth.
**** About two 15-ouncecans if you aren’t cooking yourown.